


Fucking Las Vegas

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-12-31
Updated: 1999-12-31
Packaged: 2018-11-21 00:10:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11345994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Mulder proposes to Skinner and they propose to the fish - no, wait. Hang on. Ah... well, anyway, it's all about marrying and being terribly happy and stuff. Enjoy.





	Fucking Las Vegas

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Fucking Las Vegas by Blue Mohairbear

TITLE: Fucking Las Vegas  
AUTHOR: Blue Mohairbear  
FANDOM: X-Files  
CATEGORY: HUMOR/PARODY !!!  
PAIRING: Skinner/Mulder/Krycek  
RATING: NC-17  
FEEDBACK:   
WEBSITE: http://www.squidge.org/3wstop (thanks, Jadzia!)  
SERIES: nope, just a silly PWP  
ARCHIVING: yes   
DISCLAIMER: Believe, me, Chris - you wouldn't want them. Really. 

SUMMARY: Mulder proposes to Skinner and they propose to the fish - no, wait. Hang on. Ah... well, anyway, it's all about marrying and being terribly happy and stuff. Enjoy. 

WARNING: SILLINESS!!! HUMOR!!! PARODY!!!! TOTAL STUPIDITY!!! 

NOTES: This is *YOUR FAULT*!!! <points to Halrloprillalar and JenCat004> Reading two great, Monty-Python-like parodies in one day was too much. Please forgive me, I really needed this. I'm overworked, mean editors are harrassing me with deadlines, and I ate all my gummybears and now there are none left. *MUAH* 

This story is for Jay aka Frogdoggie, for friendship and help with lots of really difficult questions. Of which I have much more. ROFL. And he probably won't ever read this because he *hates* Sk/M/K. Well, just close your eyes and think of England, Jay. *kisskiss* ROFL. 

***HUMOR***PARODY***SILLINESS***STUPIDITY**** 

* * *

*********************  
Fucking Las Vegas  
by Blue Mohairbear  
November, 1999  
*********************** 

Okay. Uhm, so, Fox William Mulder, who was a Special Agent with the FBI (in case you didn't know), was kneeling on his couch, in front of his fish tank. He was desperately trying to teach his fish some tricks. He wanted them to bark and fetch his newspaper, but they didn't even look at him and that made him really sad and he sank down on the sofa and he sobbed. 

That was when the apartment door opened and a very big and very beautiful and very bald and very sexy man entered the apartment and that was Mulder's boss, Walter Skinner. (In case you didn't know, Skinner was an AD with the FBI, which means Assistant Director, which is pretty high in the ranks. I think. Hell, I live in Germany, how should I know about the fucking ranks in the stupid FBI?!) 

And Skinner said, "Mulder, I have to talk to you," and Mulder wiped his eyes and he sniffed and he said, "What?!", very defiantly. 

But before Skinner could answer, the door opened again and a Man In Black came in. I mean, a man in black clothes; that is, he wore black jeans and black boots and a black t-shirt and a black leather jacket and he had black hair, but his eyes weren't black, they were green, and very beautiful, and he himself wasn't black either, he was white, because he was a Causasian, or something like that, Russian, you know, but anyway, with all that black stuff on him, he looked very dangerous and very beautiful and very sexy. 

And Skinner's cock grew very hard instantly when he saw the sexy black man, I mean, the Man In Black, I mean... well, you know. When he saw the man. And he said, really threateningly, "What do you want, Krycek?" 

Because that was the man's name, Alex Krycek (in case you hadn't guessed already). 

And Krycek said, "I have to talk to Mulder," and Skinner growled at him, really dangerously, and he said, "Well, bad luck, Krycek, because I was here first and I've got to talk to Mulder, too. So piss off, Krycek." 

But Krycek didn't piss off. He looked at Skinner, very dangerously, because he could do dangerous, too, oh yes, and he said, "You know, Skinner, there's a really dark secret behind your middle name (which is Sergej, in case you didn't know), and I'm the only one who knows about it and I'll never tell you if you don't let me talk to Mulder instantly. So piss off, Skinner." 

And Skinner got very, very pale and he went, but first he said to Mulder, "I'll be back, Mulder, and then we'll talk." And then he went away. 

And Mulder sniffed again and he wiped his eyes again and he said, "What do you want, Krycek?", still rather defiantly. 

And Krycek looked at him longingly and he said, "I want you to beat me up, Mulder, because that's the way you sublime your feelings for me or whatever the term is, I think it was 'sublimation', but it could also have been "subscription", I don't remember exactly, because I'm totally smitten with your beauty right now, but anyway, I want you to beat me up." 

And Mulder sniffed and he wiped his eyes, though they were dry in the meantime, but still very red and swollen, because he had cried really hard because his fish refused to learn any tricks. 

And he said, "I don't have the time to beat you up right now, Krycek, because I have to teach my fish some tricks, and that's really difficult, much more difficult than chasing that liver-eating mutant, because they keep refusing, so come back another time." 

And Krycek got very jealous of the fish. His grin got very evil and he went over to the fishtank and Mulder noticed how tightly the black jeans hugged Krycek's gorgeous ass. And Mulder's cock grew very hard instantly as he watched that ass. 

And then Krycek killed all of Mulder's fish, and they were all drifting with their cute little fishy bellies upwards and Mulder pouted. 

"Oh Krycek, you are *so* bad," he said, pouting. And he was so beautiful when he pouted. Because of that full lower lip he had. Which let Krycek's cock grow very hard, instantly. 

And Krycek said, "Yes, I know," and then he smiled and he said, "It was just a joke, babe, they aren't really dead, you know." 

And he knocked against the glass, three times, like this, knock-knock-knock, you know, and all the fish turned around again and swam merrily through the water and Mulder was very astonished and he said, "How'd you do that, Krycek? If I want them to bark, or fetch the newspaper, they don't even look at me," and Krycek said, "I tamed them," and Mulder said, "Oh." 

And then Mulder said, "You know, you tamed me, too, Krycek, " and he went down on his knees and he said "Alexander Andrejewitch Krycek, will you marry me?" 

And Krycek was very astonished. 

"Mulder, how come you know my middle name, because nobody knows my middle name except that it's 'Rat', but that's not really my middle name, you know, so how come you know my *real* middle name which is Andropowitch?" 

"It's not Andropowitch, dummy, it's Andrejewitch." 

"Yeah, right, babe, whatever, but anyway, how come you know it? " 

"Ah, well, you know, I have that eidetic memory," Mulder said proudly. 

And Krycek said, "Oh." And then he said, "Yes, Fox William Mulder, I will marry you." And they kissed passionately. After Krycek had pulled Mulder up, that is. 

The fish watched them and they all had tears in their cute little fishy eyes, which you couldn't see, of course, because they were in the water, and you can't see tears in the water, and they decided that in the future they would take turns in fetching the newspaper for Fox and barking for him if he wanted them to. That's how touched they were. 

And then they went to Skinner (Fox and Alex, that is, not the fish, of course. There were more than only two fish in that tank, by the way, in case you didn't know, I think there were about seven or eight. Well, maybe nine. Whatever.), and they proposed to him, and luckily, they didn't mess up *his* middle name, (which was Sergej, by the way, just in case you didn't know), because he sure would have killed them if they had, because he was very surly; or he would have said no, and that would have been even worse, because they both craved his magnificent body. (Fox and Alex, that is. Not the fish.) Madly. Badly. Fiercely. Feverishly. Passionately. Whatever. 

Anyway, Skinner said yes, because that was exactly what he had wanted to talk about with Mulder in the first place, he had planned to propose to him and then to Krycek, and now hadn't it all worked out just fine? 

And the three of them went to Vegas and they bought a long redhaired wig and Skinner took a ballpen and he carefully painted a "y" behind Fox' name on his ID and he scratched the "William" out and he said, "This should work." 

And he and his beloved Fox, who was "Foxy" now for that day, drove with their beautiful rented car to a Drive-Thru-Wedding-Chapel and Fox looked really beautiful with that red wig and the woman behind the counter didn't suspect anything (besides, she was very shortsighted), and two minutes later, they left the Drive-Thru-Wedding-Chapel with a bag of cheeseburgers and fries in their laps and they were married. And Fox William Mulder was now "Foxy Mulder-Skinner". Without the "William," because Skinner had scratched that on his ID. (Or is that "off" his ID? Whatever.) 

Then they took turns and Foxy Mulder-Skinner drove through that Drive-Thru-Wedding-Chapel with Alex at his side, except that time, *Alex* was wearing the wig and Skinner had scratched the "Andropowitch" from his ID - no, wait, that was "Andrejewitch," wasn't it - whatever -, and had added an "a" to his first name, which now read "Alexandera," but that didn't matter because the woman behind the counter in that Drive-Thru-Wedding-Chapel was shortsighted, anyway, and she didn't suspect a thing. 

And then they took turns again and Alexandera Krycek ... but then they realized that Alex' name was *already* "Krycek-Mulder-Skinner" because he had been married to Fox earlier and Walter would have refused to wear the wig, anyway, and they all said, "Fuck the third marriage, we've got enough cheeseburgers". 

And Foxy Mulder-Skinner-Krycek and Alexandera Krycek-Mulder-Skinner and Walter Skinner went to their hotel where they had rented a lavish Wedding Suite. 

And Skinner was very content that he didn't have such a dreadful long triple name, only "Skinner," which showed everyone who was boss in that marriage. And he squared his magnificent broad mountain-like shoulders. Yes. 

Then they discussed their wedding night and the fucking. And they flipped a coin because they couldn't decide who should get to be in the middle. That is, Mulder and Krycek flipped the coin, because Skinner said no way he would bottom, and being in the middle means you get fucked in the ass, and that means bottoming, and Skinner wouldn't take it up the ass, no way. So Mulder and Krycek flipped a coin and Mulder won. 

So Skinner fucked his ass and Krycek sucked his cock and Mulder liked it a lot and he came. And then Skinner pulled out of Mulder and he fucked Krycek's ass and Mulder sucked Krycek's cock and Krycek liked that, too, and he came, too. And then Skinner came in Krycek's ass and they all were so happy they wept. Well, Mulder and Krycek wept, that is. Skinner wouldn't weep in the open so he said he had to pee and he wept in the bathroom. 

After the weeping, Skinner said to Krycek "So, now what's the dark secret behind my mikddle name, you know, Sergej," and Krycek said, "There isn't any, I just wanted to get into your tight, sexy, dark blue pants," and Skinner said, "Oh." 

And they lived happily ever after. (I think. Hey, how the hell should I know, I've never been to Vegas! I live in Germany, and I've only been to New York. Once.) 

+++The END+++ 

(That is, unless you want to know about their childrens' problems at kindergarten and what they did to the fish (the children, I mean, not the problems), but I guess you don't. Well. That's the end, then. Bye.) 

***********************************************************  
In the end there can be only one.   
May it be Walter Skinner, the Assistant Director. 

  



End file.
